"I feel a miracle in every breath that I breathe... I sense a miracle in all that I see...." [18 Jul 2008|10:46am] [ music | belle & sebastian - step into my office, baby ] So since the day that I almost died (If you don’t know – long story… I almost died…) I’ve had a 180* turn-around. Obviously I’m not really over the whole situation… but I’ve just had this tremendously overwhelming ability to come to terms with everything in my life. It’s almost frightening. I’ve never experienced this kind of general comfort in myself. I’m not afraid of being alone. I don’t mean in the sense of like… not being with someone. I mean, I can be by myself & be okay with it. I don’t have to have a friend with me at all times. I prefer and enjoy it, but I don’t think about getting into my car & driving away without looking back anymore. Which I was genuinely afraid I might do before. I think I’ve just realized that I wasn’t myself for the past three years. & Now I am really going to allow myself to do so. Despite how it started, this has been one of the most amazing summers of my life. Possibly the most. I’ve gotten to see just about everyone who I consider near & dear. I’ve spent so much time with Fred & it’s just been fabulous. We are just… we’re 98% the same person, & the 2% that we aren’t just compliment each other so incredibly well. We went to New Jersey to see her friend Colin & drank after-shock at a weird party & hung out with a dog, we went to Richmond & visited JEM & also got to see Brixie & Pedro & Chet. We went to Cape May & got to see Bhriiitttt, Dan Clark & of course the ever beautiful / wonderful Kai. We’ve just torn shit up in a way that would have never been possible if I had been responsible for anyone but my own feelings. I’ve been living in Providence with Mark Drop, Chris & John. That has also been very good. Me & Mark get along really well. We’re kind of the same person… good & bad. There’s occasional drama with babymama but I just don’t say anything about it to either of them, cuz I like them both a lot. So I stay out of it. I stopped going to therapy after two weeks because all she did was stare at me… she never prompted me & she made me talk way too much about Jacob… that event was CAUSED by a deeper problem… that was not THE problem. If that makes sense. I need to find a new therapist… because I think it really would benefit me a lot. I just… me & her didn’t mesh well. &I wanted so badly to feel like I was making progress that I tried to convince myself that it was a good fit. Generally I don’t ever really get sad. It’s kind of weird. I think the last time I cried was at Shane’s wake. I think maybe I just cried so much for those two weeks back in May that I’m like… dried out. Either way. I just have this ridiculously refreshing positive attitude. I am ALWAYS able to find something to smile about. I generally have a retarded smile on my face. About nothing, but about everything. I was walking down Palace Road (by my school) the other day, walking back to my car to go on a date (!!!, reason enough to smile) when I noticed the entire left side of it is lined with Ginko trees. I’ve stood on that street probably a hundred times & NEVER realized this. My favorite. I just smiled so fucking big. It feels so good to appreciate little tiny things. I was driving up for date version 2.0 &the way the sun was reflecting off the John Hancock building just made my heart swell. Despite all the traffic I was in, despite being able to actually SEE the smog rising from the highway. It just looked amazing. There’s never NOT reason to smile. No matter what. I’ve been in Boston more lately… now that I have my summer class. Which is exciting becauseeeeee… it means I get to see my friends. Whom I love. I really really miss them. Like I said, totally enjoying my time in Providence but I can’t wait to be back with Gatt & Allie. Aside from my good moods & positive attitude, anxiety has been getting to me a little bit. I get mild attacks, which are generally provoked by something. I had had a few that were unprovoked & really really intense, which had me worried. But I haven’t had one of those in like 3 or 4 weeks. For the most part I have anxiety when I feel like people need something from me & I can’t give it to them. When I was in Brooklyn last week… & my phone was dying. I was sitting outside of the Turkey’s Nest with NickBrown like shaking because I was so worried about like… planning everything. When I was just along for the ride. But I had the place to stay with Dottie, I had my friend Christopher Garnett to visit with & I was just going nuts. So completely concerned about everything that everyone but myself had going on. But I was able to settle down once my phone actually died & there was really no way for me to look after anyone else. &I had an amazing non-inebriated evening with my friend Christopher. So ridiculously refreshing. I keep using the term “refreshing” because that’s just… how everything has been lately. So fucking refreshing. After we got back from Brooklyn I went to the Alk3 show solo style. I wasn’t going to but then I realized… uhm. It’s Alkaline Trio & they are playing five minutes from my house. There is no way that I’m NOT going. I got to see some of the most amazing people in the world (See: Kris, Jeremy, Christian… I got to meet Derek’s girlfriend [which makes me really happy because she is adorable & totally sweet & he really deserves someone like that after the skuzzy bitches he’s dated in the past few years]) I don’t wanna get too intense in my description because I don’t know where anything is going… but there was a beautiful boy screaming every word next to me & I almost got knocked down & he caught me. Somehow I managed to muster up the courage to talk to him…. Okay. Write him a note with my number. “Saw you standing there, outside the music hall, come out for some air, uncertain curtail call… & everyone just stared.” So I stood there & waited til he came out… they were clearing us off the sidewalk & I finally thought to myself “now or never” &I just did it. &He hugged me. &Called. (Texted) Anyway – Like I said. Not getting too into it. But I’m not sure what this could bring. I’m hopeful. But so anxious. I mean. Anyone who knows me knows that I am completely incapable of believing that there is something about me to like. I mean. I don’t know how to describe it. I Know I’m pretty fabulous… funny, cute, witty, intelligent. But I just. I am so insecure & can’t see why someone would choose me over anything else. Ya know? Whadever. I’m really scared that he won’t dig me but like… whadever I guess. Like – I think he may kind of but he also seems to be one of those brick wall kids. Kind of like Bryan. No matter how much he likes you, you never really feel like it. Make sense? No? Didn’t think so. HAH. Anyway – the point is this. He’s the first reasonable person I’ve met in two months. I mean like. Doesn’t live in New York or isn’t a TOTAL alcoholic. Ya know? Not something that could definitely not work out at this point. Which is not to say I wasn’t stoked on certain individuals but…. It’s really a difficult endeavor for me, but I have been trying to be level-headed & keep these feet on the ground. To not get carried away by something that I know would be futile. Other things that are good…. Dottie is back in my life. Love that. Don’t really think about David too too much. B is one of my best friends in the whole world. He was the first person on the scene when Jake left me. Funny how that works… when B left me David was there, Jake leaves me, B is there. Insanity. Although I have a feeling that the next one won’t follow that pattern. Hahahaha. Not that funny. Derek & I have been more in touch & it’s really nice. He’s such a great kid. I’m super lucky that, despite how horribly I treated him & how shady & shitty I was he is still willing to be my friend. He is a rare breed, and I consider myself very lucky to know him. But I mean. Mostly only cuz he told me he got Bruins season tickets. Ahahahahahaha. Kids got jokes, kids got jokes. Me & Nate have been getting along when we see eachother. It’s really nice, cuz he’s an awesome dude &I really dig hanging out with him without it being weird. There’s still like… a tiny bit of tension. But that might be all me. Whadever. I like it… I was expressing my concerns (re: insecurity) to John who, being one of the sassiest d00ds alive really cheered me up & put things into perspective for me. He told me that he thinks I’m a genuinely good person who is aware of what they are. I am a good friend and super fun to be around. Now, when I first met John, I honestly thought he HATED me. So that’s a nice thing to hear from him. We’ve been bro-ing down via internets lately & I enjoy it. In more positive news, tonight Mark & I are going to see THE DARK KNIGHT at 7:15. jkdaoidjasdkljadlkj. Why so serious??? Ksadjaldjaslkdjasdk. Dude I CAN’T WAIT. I’ve been literally pissing my pants / dresses / skirts about this for like two months. It’s gonna be epic. As fuck. Dkjasdlkjasldkj. Tonight I shall hopefully being seeing Fred, & will definitely be seeing DJ, Freddie, Tom & company. DJ is finally turning 21, which is out of HAND. :] So, getting waste-face for the first time in a while. Anyway – maybe I should do some work. I love all of you, ya know. :] Happy 23rd Birthday, Joseph Flanders Weiss. Despite the fact that I let you shit all over me for my entire life… I love you no matter what. 5 years ago today man. Green hoodie. Padres shirt. Crunk as fuck. Breezy Four For Life. 3 comments|post comment

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